I had my baby.
With my bundle of joy, has also come much heartache, as I strive to be "beautiful."
What is "beautiful?" Everywhere I look, I'm bombarded with the worlds idea of beautiful. You can't be over a certain weight, you can't be under a certain weight, you cant be too short, or too tall, you can't have curves, you can't be too skinny, and god forbid you have stretch marks, or birth marks, or some sort of deformity, that will not change. Everyone has an opinion. Even when they don't "say" anything. You can see the judgment, in the looks they give you, or when they point you out to their friends after you have walked pass. Even with all these videos and posts coming out, informing everyone that "no one looks like what the magazines have portrayed, not even the models in the cover, in real life" yet as a woman, I still strive to meet these unrealistic expectations of beauty. As a mother, I look at my stretch marks and view them as an awful marking, that I try and hide.
Each morning, my loving husband wakes up, kisses me and tells me I'm beautiful. Each afternoon, he texts me, and reminds me how much he loves me, and tells me I'm beautiful. Each evening, as he comes home, he hugs me, and tells me I'm beautiful. Each night as we are going to sleep, he wraps his arms around me, and whispers in my ear that I'm beautiful. Who am I trying to impress? The one man whose opinion matters the most to me, is constantly telling me I'm enough, He's constantly reminding me that I'm still beautiful, He's loving me with out cease just as I am, with out any expectations for me to change. So why does that not feel like enough? As he touches and kisses every stretch mark, as he wraps his arms around me, and tells me that he loves each and every curve, why do I so badly want to turn out the lights so no one can see what I consider "imperfection?"
So today, As I looked in the mirror, As I struggled into yet another pair of pants that just barely fit, I stopped myself. It's so easy to shame yourself when no one is looking; It's so easy to tell yourself you're not good enough, you're not pretty enough, you're not skinny enough, you'll never be perfect. Instead I looked at my self, and I said "Thank you God." This body worked to create a beautiful healthy boy. This body has energy to and the ability to play with and raise that boy. I am married to a man who loves this body as it is now. I'm eating right, I'm exercising, I'm working hard, and if that means this body will forever be 10 pounds heavier then when I first got pregnant, then so be it. I'm not being sitting around doing nothing; I'm living life, I'm keeping healthy, and this is where my body is landing itself. As for my stretch marks, they aren't some hideous monster I need to hide in the closet. They are my badge of honor. My body worked hard, and earned its right to share in this badge. More permanent then a tattoo, these marks represent the life that is now in this world, and I shouldn't be ashamed of them.
Beauty isn't a number, or some obscene goal. Beauty is what I am choosing to see when I look in the mirror; it's what I see when I look around at people who are different from the standard and It's what I see when I'm in a room filled with unique people from all different backgrounds.
Today is the day, I choose to stop shaming myself. I choose to set the example for my children, to be confident in who I am, and how God has made me, "flaws" and all!
Today is the day, I choose to see myself in a positive light. I choose to stop putting myself down, and embrace every difference.
Today, I choose to stop rolling my eyes at mu husband when he tells me I'm beautiful. I am beautiful.
I hope that you can see yourselves as beautiful too.
You are beautiful!
