I feel....

Communicating "I feel..." that's always been a struggle for me, just being able to tell others how I feel and being totally honest about it. I have a struggle with letting down my guard around anyone, and being able to say "Today was great" or "today was a bit rough" and I don't mean I want to be going over the top, and get all OVER emotional, but being honest about it about how I feel, and start opening up towards people. I'm tired of being scared of feeling. Yeah I said scared. I'm scared that if I open up, I'm going to be judged, let down, mocked, told off, exc... but I want to try, baby steps right. I've always said I never want to be controlled by fear, So I'm going to start something. For the next 25 blogs, I'm going to post replies to the following 25 questions, in order. In hopes that I by writing things out from my past, and being willing to be totally open, in regards to some though provoking questions, It can work towards baby steps of actually opening up. Then also if anybody would like to add questions as I'm going through this, I want to encourage you to ask me with out hesitation. I'm praying that part of this can be used as a step in breaking down these walls. Please pray for me. I know I'll probably end many of these blogs in tears, and completely scared of reactions I'll get.

1. What is your Testimony
2.What is your biggest insecurity?
3.What is something you wish you could change?
4. What has been your biggest struggle in growing up?
5. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?
6. Are you holding onto something that you need to let go of?
7. Have you done anything lately worth remembering?
8. Who your closest friends in your life right now, and what makes them special to you?
9. What is one memory you wish you could forget?
10. Do you think crying is a sign of weakness or strength?
11. What is one dream you remember?
12. When you die what do you want your legacy to be?
13. Who is your hero?
14. Make a list of your strengths.
15. What is the best part of your week, why?
16. What is your life verse, why?
17. Which activities make you lose track of time?
18. If you could do it all over again, would you change anything?
19. If you could talk to anyone right now, who would it be, and what about?
20. If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way that you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow that person to be your friend?
21. Ask a few people what they think of you honestly, and post it here. Write your reaction
22. What do you spend most of your time worrying about?
23. Are you aware that someone has it worse than you?
24. What makes you smile?
25. What would you regret not fully doing, being, or having in your life?

Posts I never posted

I dont't know why but these are some posts I saved, and never posted, so I figured I would finish them and post them while I figure out how to finish my current post.

20 things you prob don't know about me

10/24/09

1.) I'm TERRIFIED of house Centipedes: They are creepy little boogers that aren't just ugly, but they are fast and tend to chase me, its horrible.
2.) When I first meet people I immediately notice, there eyes, there hands, and the way they walk: Every on is different and you can tell a lot about a person by these things =P
3.) I like movies that have sad ending: Because nobody expects a movie to have a sad ending
4.) I HATE Technology with an undying passion
5.) I love standing outside when its raining
6.) Thus far out of my siblings I was the youngest to get my license: both my brothers waited until they were over 18, I was 16.
7.) I LOVE doing yard work!!!! I love being outside and, when I'm done working, feeling like I

accomplished something.8.) In three years I have attended 3 different high schools: 2 Public schools, 1 online
9.)My favorite scent is Vanilla: its a soft scent, but its super relaxing.
10.) I like black and white pictures: they make the world seem so simple, and innocent.
11.) I am obsessed with Stargate, and NCIS =D
12.) I tend to get along better with guys then girls
13.) My favorite flower is White Carnations.

14.) I am on of the weirdest people you will Ever Meet

15.) I don't cry in front of people

16.) I never want to have Children, unless God SERIOUSLY changes my plans

17.) I want to become a Nurse cause I hate feeling helpless

18.) My favorite season is Spring because it's sunny, happy and warm.

19.) I have a HUGE family, most of whom I am not blood related to =)

20.) If I could I would wear dresses ALL the time! I LOVE them, but I don't have enough occasions to wear em to.

Pondering

3/18/10

Inspirations

2/25/11

Who is my biggest inspiration? oh man, where to start. I don't think my brother has any idea what a high bar he set for me to try and reach for in my parents eyes lol.I've always pushed myself to "be the best" in school, in music,in art, in writing, in leadership, in work, and Ryan has probably been the biggest reason behind most of that. It started off as a competition, Growing up I always heard "your brother is sooo amazing" or "look at what Ryan did" or "He's so talented, funny, exc", it got to a point that I had to do better then him, I had to prove to everyone I was just as accomplished, and could do things just as well as he could, if not better. That probably wasn't the right attitude growing up. As I began to get older I came to realize why Ryan was so successful, and did so well. He wasn't trying to make a name for himself, He was actually totally humble about his talents, and gifts.He was using what God him, and turning lemons into lemonade. And that realization, inspired me. I didn't need to be "all that" or try mimicking him. I just needed to be myself, using my own gifts and talents and all while trusting God through it all.

Gotta laugh at myself

So the other day, after a long busy week of clinical's, school, and work I walked into class and realized there was an extra credit assignment due, which I had intended to do(write a poem about an abused substance and present it in front of the class). Anywhoo, the teacher asked who had the assignment done and a few people raised there hands, and I thought to myself "YES!" and wrote a poem in 5 minutes, as the other 2 people performed there poems, which preceded with me presenting for the class.Once I was finished, the teacher asked me if I had performed the poem before, I said no, and she goes on to say "You have a gift" I of course didn't tell her I had written the poem 5 minutes before her class. This is just so me, Do everything last minute, and Ace it =) LOL so Here's the poem, and you tell me what you think. I just find it amusing.

Inhalants

It's cheap, It's everywhere

I go to sleep

So there I may find peace

Holding me hostage to it's claws

Caressing my well knotted soul

With assurances that it will always be around

Safe from ever awakening fear

Your favored reality totally gone

I can't speak, I'm too relaxed to try

Give me safe place

Presenting shelter from myself

And monsters that come back again

and again, and again to torment me

Mind, soul, heart, constant pounding

Memories are now gone

Safeties is destroyed left to rags

Feeling sick and weak, life becomes a blur

Given away to myself

Breathing it in deep

Shutting down my brain

Friends said it once was cool

Won't harm me like trendier ones will

My heart is out of sync

The edges start to blur

I can no longer see

Eyes wide open

Shaking all over

I'm suddenly gone

Trust in the Lord

Have you ever had one of those days that just seem to catch you off guard?

You think you are over something, but when brought face to face with it memories, hurt, and anger come flooding back to the surface?

Well today was one of those days. I got an email, that caught me totally off guard, from someone I hadn't expected to hear from for a long, long, long time.

My brother.

He emailed my whole family asking for forgiveness. I thought I had forgiven him a long time ago. But reading the email, it was like reading a letter he gave me years ago. Apologizing for everything he had done, and praying for forgiveness. And now I feel stuck. I want to forgive him, I want to be able to run to him with open arms, cry, and hug him! But at the same time, I can't forget the questions my brother has asked me regarding "where is Christopher? doesn't he like us?" or the tears my sister spilt when he didn't show up all those years ago to hang out. Or the frustration my parents have dealt with because of even further issues surrounding him.

I know I'm not perfect, I'm the first to admit such, I know I make mistakes, but someone hurts my family, and that doesn't go over well with me. You attack them, you are attacking me, and I don't take that lying down, I bite back!

But what if the person hurting my family is my family?

Right now, I admit, I'm struggling. I'm frustrated with this whole situation. But I also know that, whatever happens I need to leave it all at the cross. When I gave my life to God it was my everything, and not just when things are good. I said "I'm in it for the good AND the bad times". I gave God my all, and I know that unless I'm on my knees in prayer this will continue to be a struggle. So I'm giving this whole situation to God! I'm choosing to let go, and let Him continue to take control. As crazy as it seems sometimes, I know I'm safe in His hands.

Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The LORD, the LORD himself, is my strength and my defense ; he has become my salvation.”

Isaiah 12:2

A little bit of everything rolled into one.

WOW! This week has been crazy, In a good way of course, and it's only Wednesday. Allow me to start from the beginning.

Sunday: I was scheduled to lead worship, but I had lost my voice, mostly, that weekend. As I was practicing, I was singing flat, and squeaking like crazy. I had no back up singer so It was me and my drummer. 9:30 comes around and the leadership team gets together to pray, still no voice. 9:50 comes and I get on stage, my dad gives a quick welcome, and 10 o'clock I begin playing, and as I'm about to squeak the first word to the first song my voice comes back.

HALLELUJAH! As soon as Church ends, so did my voice. God? I think yes. Later that evening I then dyed my hair a darker brown. I'm ALMOST back to my natural color.

HAIR BEFORE

HAIR AFTER

Monday: There was no school due to the day being dedicated to Martin Luther King Jr. Thus a friend of mine spent the night. Then that evening Kyle and I got to hang out, I dropped off a job application at Super America, then We went sledding, out to Starbucks for some coffee(or hot chocolate in Kyle's case), and ended up at a pet store for a bit(DUMB IDEA it made me want a hamster)

Tuesday: I went back you the pet store and picked up my own HAMSTER!!! =D Henry Phillip Morrison the 1st =P We then had to go to the food shelf, and of course all the kids adored the hamster. =P

Meet Henry Phillip Morrison

Wednesday: better known as today, After school I got home, and pulled out Henry Phillip, as I was playing with him, I got a call from Super America saying they wanted to schedule a face-to-face interview, Which is now scheduled for Monday. I turned my back for 3 seconds to write the phone number down, and hang up my phone. When I look back Henry is no where in sight. I stand up for fear he's under me. I'm looking, and freaking out for about 30 seconds when out of nowhere I feel something weird against my knee. He had crawled up my pant leg, inside....... Needless to say it took about 5 minutes to get him out the little critter haha.

That's been my week thus far. Pretty much a bit of everything mixed into a few days. Hopefully the rest of this week is just as awesome. =)

18th Birthday

So how am I supposed to feel?

People keep coming up to me asking me "How do you feel?" I feel no different. Should something have changed? Yes I am an adult, but what does that mean? I can gamble, buy cigarettes , get a tattoo, make my own decisions(according to the law). But why would I want to do that? I don't get it.

I'm in High School, and am looking at living a long, debt free life, with out regrets. I think many students get it all wrong. Now is the time we need to look to our parents for wisdom, not run away, and do our own thing. What we do now will either make or break our future, and so as I begin taking this step into adulthood, I intend to lean into God, and seek the counsel of my parents. So pray for me as I begin taking this step. =)

The New Year

It's so weird to think that today is the last day of 2010. An entire year has gone by. It seems like just yesterday I was running down the hallway when my mom would interrupt my sprint and have me go all the way back and walk, oh wait that was yesterday. =P I've been thinking about how things seem to go faster and faster, and with so much to do and so little time it's like you can live through an entire year and totally miss it. An entire year has gone by. 365 days, 8760 hours, 525,600 hours. How crazy is that? It makes me look back and really appreciate the life I have to live, and reminds me not to live with regrets. In the big scheme of things it's not worth it. Why live such a short amount of time with regrets and remorse? So here's to 2011, and all the time that wont be wasted on trivial issues, and minor problems, but rather all the new memories, it will bring. I love you all and am so glad to have you in my life!