Difficult Tasks

"I knew you before I formed you in your mothers womb. Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my spokesman to the world."

Jeremiah 1:5

Lately, in my devotions, I have begun reading through Jeremiah. I mean, I have always loved the story of Jeremiah, a man who was told to preach a message for years, even though he never saw the fruit of that message. A man who was mocked, and ridiculed, but still followed the calling on his life. As I read through this book, I keep coming back to Jeremiah 1:4-19, God is giving Jeremiah this message, and Jeremiah responds with excuses. "I can't speak for you. I'm too young!"(vs. 6) How often have I responded with similar excuses. "God I can't do that, I'm too young, too tired, too inexperience, too afraid." God want's all of me. He wants me to stop making excuses. I think my biggest excuse is my reputation.

Years ago, i made a choice to take a stand for what I believed to be right, that one choice brought years of verbal, mental, and even sometimes physical abuse from peers. The hurt of that experience caused me to hold on to my reputation at all cost. I can sacrifice money, time, comforts, but what about reputation. I know that I am not alone in this fear. We don't want to look crazy in front of others, we don't want to lose our friends, we don't want to lose the respect from people around us, so we second guess what God is calling us to do because it's uncomfortable. But, if God is calling, who are we to say no. He wants our everything, He wants our excuses, He wants our hurts, He wants us to lay it at His feet. He wants to use it every bit of us to accomplish His calling on our lives.

I've begun using this illustration a lot lately when talking with people, a long time ago someone shared it with me and even today I bring myself back to this.

When we come to Christ, we are presenting ourselves completely to Him, every broken bit of ourselves, past hurts, self hurts, poor choices, painful experiences, addictions, things we shouldn't have done, didn't want done, or forgot had happened, Every last piece that we can no longer recognize or put back together, and We present it ALL to Him. In His tenderness, He picks up each piece, and begins working on it. We can't go back or take back our mistakes, so God doesn't put the pieces back the same way, but rather He takes them and creates a mosaic from them. A masterpiece, and when He is finished, He holds it up for the world to see, proclaiming that what Satan tried to destroy, God can make beautiful. He wants to create beauty out of your ashes, but He can't do that unless you give Him everything.

Jeremiah had to recognize that he wasn't alone in this journey, God was giving him the tools to accomplish his calling. But Jeremiah had to surrender all excuses, all reasons not to proclaim the message, His reputation in the city, first. (vs 17) He didn't need to fear the task ahead him!!

I found this really encouraging, but at the same time, something that I recognize I need to grow in. And thought I would share my thoughts, I guess. :)

It's too much...

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
Matthew 11:28
This week feels like it should have been so much longer than it was. 

So many emotions, 

ups, 

downs, 

things I didn't expect to happen.

Last week, as I was sobbing in my husbands arms I yelled, to no one really, that I was done, I can't do it anymore. I'm tired of everything we have going on, I'm tired of being told amongst the chaos that its not good enough, or feeling like none of it is good enough. I'm tired of waking up each morning so depressed that I'm sick to my stomach. I'm tired of constantly adding another bill to the pile, wondering how this next one is going to be paid off. I'm tired of trying to avoid the sun because I don't want to face another day.

I'm tired

I'm TIRED

I'M tired

I'M TIRED!!!!

My sweet, sweet, husband, who is just as tired as me, just let me cry for a while. He held me, with out saying much and just let me release all this and more. Finally, after what seemed like forever, he opened up the Psalms, and read them over me. 

I'm gonna be honest, most days I don't have a clue what I'm doing. I'm so thankful to have such supportive and loving family, on both sides of me. But frankly, as you can see, I'm overwhelmed.

 I took a stress test for psychology, and I was off the charts.

• I'm 20 years old, and pregnant, I was just trying to adjust to being married.
• There are some days I'm still mourning the loss of our first baby, and each bill is a reminder of that loss, which only hurts more.
• I've switched jobs multiple times.
• I'm in a moving transition, and getting ready to move again next month.
• I'm in school full time.
• My days off aren't even days off because there are so many little projects that need to get done.
• Our cars have needed quite a bit of money put into them, for basic things, tires, oil, GAS, every trip in them is a prayer they keep running. 
• I received a letter from the insurance, informing us that we applied for the wrong thing, so we have to begin the application process all over again.
• I volunteer way too many hours, but it's one of the few things I still love.
• I co-lead several church programs.
• And to top it off, my husband has taken a job in North Dakota with his dad that will take him away from me for two weeks every month, because he is feeling the pressure just as much as I am.

 I know this may sound like I'm just complaining, but I'm just laying out. I mean,

God has been so faithful to provide just what we need, when we need it. I've been overwhelmed on both ends.

•  Last week we found out some of our bills rolled over to collections, and we had to pay on them. The next day we received a $200 check in the mail from a friend who didn't know anything about the bill, but she just felt like helping us out. 
• My parents have provided housing and food.
• Gabe's parents have provided a good paying job for him.
• God has kept our cars running. 
• We are both able to work, and have been able to keep our jobs.
•  My school load has somehow gotten completed each week. 
• We have been so blessed. 

 
But it's still overwhelming.
Lord only knows I can't do it on my own.
 I NEED prayer. WE need prayer.
I know I'm not the only one who is dealing with difficulties right now. Which is why I chose to write today. I would love to talk with other people who are in the midst of similar things, I want to pray for you guys as you pray for us, and hopefully support you as we all work through these seasons of trials.
I think sometimes we just need to know we are not alone!

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
Matthew 11:28

One Step At A Time

 Some days I feel like I'm just barely getting by. Holding my breath that tomorrow will bring a change. A change in finances, a change in stress levels, a change in work/school loads, something, anything.

Today I missed a call from the state insurance, due to me being at work, they had yet another question about my application, this time having to do with my new job. I called them back and was on hold for an hour before getting through. Because I couldn't pick up the phone, they put our file back on the shelf, and it will be processed, with the new information, in another 3 weeks. After hanging up the phone, I sat down and cried. Five months of waiting, and processing, waiting some more, and now we have to wait another 3 weeks for them to process our insurance, because I couldn't answer my phone. Every emotion just came to the surface and I couldn't contain it anymore.

I'm so tired, just when Gabe and I feel as though we can take a breath because things are coming together, another problem arises. I know it doesn't seem like a big deal, but this means that we need to pay another round of monthly medical bills that were supposed to be covered by the insurance this month. We have been able to pay off some of those bills thanks to our friends and family being so generous. But it's still so overwhelming.

God has been so faithful to provide for us during the last several months. I know He will continue to provide, and walk with us, as I cry out to Him. But emotionally, it's still a struggle.

http://www.gofundme.com/neufeld

Psalms 23

"The Lord is my Shepard I shall not want..."

I can repeat this verse till I'm blue in the face, I know it, I've had this passage memorized since I was a little girl. I remember seeing a pamphlet at with Psalm 23 inside, and being so determined to memorize the whole chapter. I didn't want to forget the words. Repeating it over and over and over it brought so much peace. But right now, as I look at the bills that keep piling up, medical expenses, credit card bills, various car expenses, school, travel, I feel overwhelmed. As I switch jobs, I will be with out work for a month, going from a full time to a part time job, depleting our monthly income by almost half and I'm left wanting. 

"The Lord is my Shepard I shall not want..."

I say a prayer each morning. I know it's in God's hands, out of my control, the best possible place. But it's hard to take each step when you can't see the big picture. So I'm holding on to His promise, If he is my Shepard then I shall not want. My needs will be provided for. I may not be comfortable all the time, I may be stretched, but He provides. 

http://www.gofundme.com/neufeld
Because of the struggle's we have asked friends and family to support us financially, but also through prayer. Please check out our page at go fund me and share with your friends and family.

Whispered Prayers

I swear the last few weeks my stomach has been on a food strike. I'm not puking my guts out by any means, but I'm constantly queasy, food makes me sick, liquids make me sick, smells make me sick, watching people eat makes me sick. It's a nightmare. So in attempts to calm my turning stomach the last week and a half, before I roll out of bed, I have been forcing down a few saltines, and 10oz of water, and so far it has helped. Not completely, but enough so I at least by dinner I feel ready to eat a full meal, and bits in between. 

Today, though, I woke up late to meet someone a few hours away, and in my rush forgot to eat my crackers and water. Remembering only when I was a mile down the road, and could feel my stomach beginning to flip flop. I barely whispered...

God, let me get through this drive with out being sick....

I didn't really think much about it, until 15 minutes ago, as I sit in caribou, enjoying a snack and wasting some time before my next engagement, and I realized, I'm not feeling sick, in fact thinking back on it, this whole day, I've been feeling better than I have in weeks, a bit tired perhaps, but still good!!

Those whispered prayers you think aren't heard, no matter how small, or seemingly trivial, are heard. :)

Baby Neufeld

2 weeks ago, I found out I was 5 weeks pregnant. As I looked at the stick, and then later listened to the doctor talk, A flood of emotions rushed over me.

EXCITEMENT

FEAR

ANXIETY

It was what my husband and I wanted, but my little Matthew was so fresh in my mind. What if we got our hopes up, and had another miscarriage? The very thought made me sick. 

So each day has begun with even more prayer than usual, asking God to keep this baby safe.

And Each day He has answered my prayer :)

And now I sit here at 7 weeks pregnant with the biggest smile on my face, I am not afraid, things could still go wrong, but I'm trusting God to keep my baby safe inside me!

Me at 4 weeks pregnant

 Me at 5 weeks pregnant

Me at 6 weeks pregnant

 I cant even button up my jeans all the way anymore O.O I thought I had a few more months, but maternity clothes here I come :P

Just Keep Breathing...

The last couple days, I've been trying...

Trying to just smile

Trying to go back to normal

Trying to hold conversations

Trying to sit and listen

Trying to even just finish a cup of coffee

But everything gets left half done.

I lose focus, and lose myself in my own thoughts

I stare at the same crack in the wall, not even caring how it got there, but just trying to focus on something

I listen to the same song over and over trying to pull some piece of hope out of it

I replay the whole scene in the doctors office over and over and over, trying to change the outcome

And I figured out I can't do it

I can't just go back and wish everything to be ok

because, for Gabe and I, it doesn't feel ok

Breaking out into tears randomly at work doesn't feel ok

Coming home and crying doesn't feel ok

 Wanting space from everything doesn't feel ok

Nothing about this feels ok

I came across a song recently Need You Now(How many times) by plumb

I've been searching to find the meaning to this whole situation.

It baffles me. And I don't understand. 

I've been crying to God to take this situation from me. 

Because its too much. 

Everything hurts!!

And I don't want it to

I downloaded the song

and I have been listening to it over and over and over

crying out to God to take this

But I realized today, God doesn't need to take the situation or the hurt

He's giving me strength.

Even if its just to keep breathing for now

It's enough.

I can stop trying to find normality

I can stop trying to understand His plans

I can stop trying to do

For now, I just need to keep breathing

It's out of my hands

I can't change what happened

I can only trust that there is a bigger plan 

And God knows what He's doing

So I'm going to keep breathing

There will probably be a lot more tears

and a lot more half drank cups of coffee in my room

And that's ok for now...

It won't last

Just keep breathing