Just Keep Breathing...

The last couple days, I've been trying...

Trying to just smile

Trying to go back to normal

Trying to hold conversations

Trying to sit and listen

Trying to even just finish a cup of coffee

But everything gets left half done.

I lose focus, and lose myself in my own thoughts

I stare at the same crack in the wall, not even caring how it got there, but just trying to focus on something

I listen to the same song over and over trying to pull some piece of hope out of it

I replay the whole scene in the doctors office over and over and over, trying to change the outcome

And I figured out I can't do it

I can't just go back and wish everything to be ok

because, for Gabe and I, it doesn't feel ok

Breaking out into tears randomly at work doesn't feel ok

Coming home and crying doesn't feel ok

 Wanting space from everything doesn't feel ok

Nothing about this feels ok

I came across a song recently Need You Now(How many times) by plumb

I've been searching to find the meaning to this whole situation.

It baffles me. And I don't understand. 

I've been crying to God to take this situation from me. 

Because its too much. 

Everything hurts!!

And I don't want it to

I downloaded the song

and I have been listening to it over and over and over

crying out to God to take this

But I realized today, God doesn't need to take the situation or the hurt

He's giving me strength.

Even if its just to keep breathing for now

It's enough.

I can stop trying to find normality

I can stop trying to understand His plans

I can stop trying to do

For now, I just need to keep breathing

It's out of my hands

I can't change what happened

I can only trust that there is a bigger plan 

And God knows what He's doing

So I'm going to keep breathing

There will probably be a lot more tears

and a lot more half drank cups of coffee in my room

And that's ok for now...

It won't last

Just keep breathing