Blog 7 : done anything lately worth remembering?

I hope so. Will I go down in the history books for things I have done? More than likely not. But I would like to think that the time I invest with my drama team, the time I invest at the food shelf, and the time I invest in other places, isn't all for nothing, but rather people are being changed through what God is doing in me. Am I doing what I am doing to be remembered? No. I sincerely just want to serve, and see God glorified through my actions.

SIDE NOTE: I dyed my hair red =)

BEFORE DYING MY HAIR

Roman(my "brother") and I

it was kinda a blond-ish, brunette, I dont know what to call it.

AFTER DYING MY HAIR

Redish, brown color

Blog 6: holding onto something that you need to let go of?

I've admitted this before, I'm still extremely frustrated with my eldest brother, and the circumstances that have surrounded him. Do I love him, yes, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't upset. Each day is a work in progress. I have spent a lot of time asking God to help me with this situation, and I'm certainly taking steps towards forgiving him.

The definition of Forgiveness: Forgiveness is the mental, emotional, and spiritual process of letting go of resentment, indignation, or anger against another person for a perceived offense, difference, or mistake. It can also mean ceasing to demand punishment or restitution for transgressions, real or imagined.

In other words when I say I forgive you, I'm saying it's over, it's in the past, I don't hold it against him. and Thats so hard to do. So each day that's been my prayer. "God help me forgive him! Help me let go."

Blog 5: What would you do differently w/ no fear of judgment

I think I would have spoken up more, and not hidden behind my walls, but rather let people in way sooner. Let them know what was going on, and maybe seeking out help LONG before anything become a problem. But I was so scared that if I said something my parents would look bad, or I would end up being labeled again, that I just shut my mouth, and bottled things in.

Short and sweet today =P

Blog 4: Biggest Struggle Growing Up

I think it's been my emotions, and not letting them get the best of me. This whole generation is all about emotions and feeling. We have everything thing we could ever want, but thats not good enough for a lot of people, and so we go out looking for a problem, and find it in our emotional dissatisfaction. For me personally, that's a struggle every day. Letting my emotions tell me to block people out, and keep everything to yourself, then blame others because they never tried to get to know you, and turn it on them, like it's there fault.

Have you ever been totally happy, but wanted to be sad, just so you could feel something different, like an emotional drug, you listen to something sad and can feel the internally struggle between happy and sad like a roller coaster, you want to be happy, but all these feelings that are brought up by the sadness are so hard to put away. It's a rush.

"... But dear mom, I'm getting better at writing happier things

I know you'll never understand it

but I'm attached to the sadness and it rings...."

-When I Go To Meet God, Levi the Poet-

It's not healthy, but that is my biggest struggle. Living life and choosing to be content. My dad once said.(I prob have the quote wrong, but something a long these lines)

"You won't always feel like loving people, but if you CHOOSE to love people and CHOOSE to overcome your own personal feeling and love people anyways, the personal feelings will eventually align themselves"

And that's what I focus on each and every day, it's not easy, being sad can be such an easy place to fall back into, but I don't want to be stuck there, trapped in brokenness. I don't want to live each day for myself with no purpose in life, but rather I want to live where Christ intended me to be, safe and secure in His arms, living each day as though its my last, and celebrating each moment I'm given.

Blog 3: Something I wish I could change

Absolutely nothing. If I changed anything in my life, I wouldn't be who I am today. What has brought me to this point in my life, has been a journey, no doubt, but it has given me such a new perspective on life. I have gifts, I have purpose, I have passion, and God is using all of that to do so much in my day to day life. I have grown so much as a leader, and God uses that. I may not always see the fruit of my labor, and that's ok, but because of my past I have been given opportunities to talk with so many people, that most people would walk by and ignore as a lost cause, I have seen so many of those kids come to know Christ as their personal Lord and Saviour, or I have had friends lead them to the Lord.. some examples of this:

I started writing poetry, regarding a lot of my past, writing plays describing topics this generation faces, but is often left under the rug, because of shame, and I have gone all out and talked about these subjects openly and people will come up to my team and I, and often through tears "WOW, thank you for doing what you are doing."

The drama team I started has 8 kids in it. When the team first started there were 2 Christians, Myself, and my younger sister, Now as of 3 weeks ago, every single person on that team is a Christian. That's just because we didn't judge them, but we loved on them, listened to them, hugged them, cried with them, and were there when everyone else walked away and told them they weren't good enough.

Last Friday, There is a kid named Panda who I have been inviting over a lot, inviting to Street Level, hanging out with him at school, He's an Emo kid, that nobody really cares to get to know, just sorta sits there and exists, He comes from an emotionally abusive home, and He's just a scared, timid guy, You first meet him and you assume he's a mute because he doesn't talk. Well long story short after months, of just talking with him, being there for him, inviting him to different things, randomly saying hi in the halls, Kierra got to lead him to the Lord last Friday! I was SO excited, and as he was crying over his decision, and just overwhelmed with love He told Kierra "If it hadn't been for Kelly and you, I would have killed myself months ago"

When you have encounters like this, why would you change a thing. Lives are transformed, including my own, through the power of Christ, because of the good and the bad, out of brokenness God truly has made beauty. Sure I wish I hadn't experienced somethings, but I wouldn't change a thing for the world!

Blog 2: My Biggest Insecurity.

Imperfection. Not physically, but mentally.When it comes to grades or my actions, I hate making mistakes. I hate not being able to do something perfectly. It got so bad at one point, I cried over a B+ at school. Teachers would/make a minor mark off, and I'm ashamed of the red negative marks, or am told I am doing something wrong, and I keep doing it. I feel like a failure, especially over tiny things, that I KNOW that I KNOW that I KNOW. I should know. I push myself to suceed, and over achieve. I stretch myself to the max, and it often comes back to bite me. Perfection is impossible, but I hate imperfection. if this makes sense at all. =P

Blog 1: My testimony

Hey I'm Kelly =)

I’ll be totally honest; I’m scared to write this. I have such a hard time trusting people with myself, especially on an emotional level, that to even let you have this knowledge is a major step of faith with everyone that reads this. If you followed my 30 day challenge, then you know, I don’t cry, but I almost guarantee typing this will bring tears. Ok, I’ll just start I guess. I can’t avoid that any longer….. geeze my stomach is in knots HA!

I grew up in a Christian family both my parents were pastors. My siblings were Christians, and I knew all the bible stories backwards and forwards. I accepted Christ at a young age with my mommy, and then again when I was in 1^st grade at a VBS(that’s the only time actually remembered =P ).

At around the age of 6 I my parents went out of town for a weekend, leaving my siblings and I with my aunt, uncle and their family. While I was there my cousin sexually abused me, to this day I can still see the room and everything that happened. It makes me sick. I used to have such a fear of guys touching, or hugging me that I would quite literally fall to the ground in the fetal position and flip out. As I got older I never dealt with any of that, I just sort of pushed it aside and the problem just built obviously, to this day I’m still overcoming that constant fear of someone touching me. Most people get a big kick out of wrapping me in a huge bear hug and making me cringe, even I admit it probably does seem funny.

But anywhoo, I was homeschooled till 5^th grade, during this time my eldest brother had tons of trouble when he turned 18, and needless to say ended up getting into a lot of things, kept walking in and out of my life, and making promises he wouldn’t keep, which totally broke me, because I loved him, and it seemed like he never cared unless he benefitted from the relationship. Then 5^th grade public school, there I made one friend, and stuck with her(not joining her, but silently backed her up), even if what she was doing was against my ethics like cheating, picking on other kids, putting people down, it wasn’t a good friendship, but she was someone who liked me, and we got a long. Finally 7^th grade came a long she started joining a group of kids that were popular (oooh scary 7^th grade populars lol) and Something kinda snapped in me, while she was making fun of a few kids. I got sooo angry. And was like “WTHeck are you doing? I’m no longer taking this from you! Stop picking on them!” She stopped picking on them, but she began turning on me. I would find notes in my locker basically telling me I don’t measure up, I was worthless, making fun of me, from my clothes, to my personality, to my grades. I was tripped almost every day, and verbally side commented by her and her groupies. I would go home in tears every night.

Because she was popular, people slowly stopped talking to me, they didn’t dare go against what she had to say for fear they would be next. I began dealing with a lot of depression.

My family was having a ton of financial issues, and my parents talked about how stressful it was, and I remember them always talking about cost, and during this time I had to get braces, I didn’t want braces because I knew it would cost them thousands, and I didn’t want to be a burden. They made me get braces(and now I’m thankful they did)but at the time I hated it. I remember I always felt like I was constantly disappointing them. Nothing I did was good enough, and I ended up getting into a lot of trouble. They would constantly compare me with my eldest brothers, I hated it. I started skipping meals, because I felt like it gave me a sense of control, and maybe if I was thinner people would like me more. I began babysitting Kyle A LOT especially when I came back home my 8^th grade year, and was home schooled again, I LOVED/LOVE that kid, he was the only person who didn’t expect anything, or judge me, sure sometimes he was a bother, but that kid was sooo funny. I could just be me, and he would have fun! 9^th grade year came, and I was pretty much considered Anorexic, though I hid it pretty well. I was only eating bits when my parents were watching,

and I returned to high school. I had no friend during this whole time nobody wanted to be around me. But the second day of my freshman year I found a note peering over my locker It was seriously this flicker of hope, I remember being soooo happy that someone sent me a note, I just wanted a friend, but as I got closer the note contained a picture. It was an old, old pic of me photoshopped so it looked like I was hanging from a tree, with x’s on my eyes. And etched in my locker “Go home and die home school, that’s all you’re good for!” I threw the note, who knows where, and ran to the bathroom, and sat there all day crying. I had some scissors in personal kit, I opened them up, rolled up my shorts, and sliced my leg, 7 times, in hopes that it would give me luck.

I had this mixed feeling of anger and sadness, and I just wanted to shut down completely, but what they said got to me, And despite the fact it hurt to read those words, I actually considered the truth behind them, maybe I was better dead.

Over these years We were moving around a lot, and it seemed I was continuing to always be wrong, I started arguing with them, and they began comparing me to my “brother” which only made me more upset, all church functions I was involved in I was the outcast. For some reason nobody would talk to me, so I would sit alone in the corner. When I tried talking to someone, I was always awkward and totally unsure of myself, afraid that they were judging me. Finally, I went to the YG I asked my Youth pastor if I could do some sort of work to occupy my time, and make it less weird to be there. And he told me yeah, and asked me to run the candy shop. This is going to sound pathetic, but I depended on that each week. I continued to cut my legs(part of the reason I never wore shorts, even during the summer), but with a purpose for my life each week, It kept me from considering suicide seriously, until people began taking over my

“job”. I needed that job, and people kept getting jealous on YG nights so the youth pastor finally told me to stop. I remember I ran out of the service and I cried one night at YG after getting into a fight about something with someone, ore getting told something, I don’t even remember, and a youth leader came up to me and asked me what was wrong, with tears running down my cheeks I forced a smil, said nothing, “I am fine”,

and she smiled uncomfortably and walked away. I sat there until everyone had gone home 90 minutes later. Nobody else acknowledged anything; it was like I wasn’t there. I began totally shutting down. I stopped feeling, I stopped letting people bother me, and at that point I made a decision to not let people get to me. If someone bothered me I would just walk away, not deal with it. I pulled away totally emotionally, and just took the teasing, like it was a part of life, nothing new.

Months later January sometime, my dad came home in a bad mood, and when he saw I hadn’t finished some chores, He got upset, and a bit loud, said things he regretted and has since apologized for(my dad is amazing btw, but he was upset because I hadn’t done what he had asked, and for the most part rightly so) but He was throwing things out of the fridge, and telling me how he wanted it cleaned and such. I remember, when he was done, a single tear rolled down my cheek after he left the house in a huff, and I calmly walked to my bedroom packed two bags wrote a long, horrible note, and left. I walked along the railroad tracks. There was a place I knew of about 5-10 miles away that would block out wind, I had probably been gone 3 hours when I got a phone call, idk why I brought my cell. But my mom left a voicemail saying “Hey Kelly, I don’t really remember why I’m calling but I’m on my way home, so I’ll see you in a bit. Ooh and

I want you to know I love you. I know the last few months haven’t been easy for ya but I do love you lot, and am here if you ever need me.”

Well I called her an hour later, and she picked me up, my dad, mom and I all talked a bit, about some of what had been going on. Which helped a bit, but life was still awful in my opinion.

Ooh btw during this time my brother and sister in law had found out they were pregnant.. with sextuplets of all things… I ended up going over and caring for my sister in law a few times a week, helping her, as she dealt with sever morning sickness, Well long story short, 5 babies died, my eldest brother decided to show up out of the blue, and I was already upset that the babies died, but then HE has the gall to show up out of nowhere, I couldn’t even look at him, I was ticked that he would just show up out of nowhere and pretend to care.

Anyways things didn’t get better, at school or YG, but I met a girl who was into the party scene and on weekends when I was out with her. She was into smoking and drinking and drugs. I never got into anything, but When I was with this group I was who ever I wanted to be. And they didn’t judge me it was “awesome” well the girl I hung out with ended up committing suicide, which got me thinking “maybe that’s it”. Nothing seems to be going right here why stick around. School hates me, Youth Group hates me, even I hate me, why be here?

So I planned it all out. I had some strong pills I had found and was going to mix with some alcohol, and then I was going to have a toaster and bathtub filled with water ready just in case it wasn’t enough. I started screaming at God as I planned all this out, “GOD? WHY?!?! You haven’t been here for me, everything bad is happening and You have NEVER cared!! If you don’t show me You are real, that you love me, that someone loves me I’m not living another day. I’m done going through life with no purpose! I’m getting out of here!!” For some reason I went to Youth Group that night. I still don’t know why, but I walked there.

I was sitting in the back, and wasn’t paying attention, rather I was writing a note for people to read after I died. I wanted them to know what I wanted after I was gone, and why I did it. Suddenly as I was writing this girl comes up to me. I looked up at her, hardly noticing, she places a note by me on the seat and walks away. I still have the note. But it broke me. It basically said

“I don’t know you, I don’t know your past situation, or anything that’s going on with your life, but I believe you desire to know the love of Christ. I don’t know if you believe in prophetic gifting, but I believe God wants me to tell you this. ‘If you follow me and desire my heart, I will show you my desire for you. I will, I am, and always have been walking with you. Set your eyes on me, and Desire me alone. Walk WITH Me, you are going through things that have been hard, but I am here my darling, I love you too much to let you go! I will help you, just as I walk though the good and the bad with you. I am here. Walk with me fully and you will never taste fear of this earth again”

I totally broke! I walked back home in tears! I ended up going home and opening my Bible legitimately for the first time in years, and opened up to:

“For I know the plans I have for you” declares the Lord “Plans to prosper, plans for a hope and a future” Jeremiah 29:11

I fell to me knees and started praying, “God forgive me” my sophomore year.

Since then, life hasn’t been “perfect” I still deal with a lot of anxiety, some reoccurring nightmares, a lot of trust issues, emotionall, but I have confidence that God is here, and I’m not alone. I stopped a lot of the bad habits. I started a drama team “Love in Action” after God put this passion in my heart for youth,I want them to know there is hope! I have grown as a leader amongst fellow believers, and grown in my gifts. My relationship with my parents began getting better because I wasn’t fighting for ME ME ME all the time, but I was learning to submit. I began to make friends, and letting down my walls with people. I wouldn’t change my past, because it truly is what has brought me to this place in my life, but I also wish that I didn’t have to have such a hard time getting to this place. I wish life had been a piece of cake, and I had learned just to trust God with my situation loooong before that point. Trust Him, he’s the only person who is always there, he won’t take your problems away, but he promises to never leave you nor forsake you.

I feel....

Communicating "I feel..." that's always been a struggle for me, just being able to tell others how I feel and being totally honest about it. I have a struggle with letting down my guard around anyone, and being able to say "Today was great" or "today was a bit rough" and I don't mean I want to be going over the top, and get all OVER emotional, but being honest about it about how I feel, and start opening up towards people. I'm tired of being scared of feeling. Yeah I said scared. I'm scared that if I open up, I'm going to be judged, let down, mocked, told off, exc... but I want to try, baby steps right. I've always said I never want to be controlled by fear, So I'm going to start something. For the next 25 blogs, I'm going to post replies to the following 25 questions, in order. In hopes that I by writing things out from my past, and being willing to be totally open, in regards to some though provoking questions, It can work towards baby steps of actually opening up. Then also if anybody would like to add questions as I'm going through this, I want to encourage you to ask me with out hesitation. I'm praying that part of this can be used as a step in breaking down these walls. Please pray for me. I know I'll probably end many of these blogs in tears, and completely scared of reactions I'll get.

1. What is your Testimony
2.What is your biggest insecurity?
3.What is something you wish you could change?
4. What has been your biggest struggle in growing up?
5. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?
6. Are you holding onto something that you need to let go of?
7. Have you done anything lately worth remembering?
8. Who your closest friends in your life right now, and what makes them special to you?
9. What is one memory you wish you could forget?
10. Do you think crying is a sign of weakness or strength?
11. What is one dream you remember?
12. When you die what do you want your legacy to be?
13. Who is your hero?
14. Make a list of your strengths.
15. What is the best part of your week, why?
16. What is your life verse, why?
17. Which activities make you lose track of time?
18. If you could do it all over again, would you change anything?
19. If you could talk to anyone right now, who would it be, and what about?
20. If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way that you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow that person to be your friend?
21. Ask a few people what they think of you honestly, and post it here. Write your reaction
22. What do you spend most of your time worrying about?
23. Are you aware that someone has it worse than you?
24. What makes you smile?
25. What would you regret not fully doing, being, or having in your life?

Posts I never posted

I dont't know why but these are some posts I saved, and never posted, so I figured I would finish them and post them while I figure out how to finish my current post.

20 things you prob don't know about me

10/24/09

1.) I'm TERRIFIED of house Centipedes: They are creepy little boogers that aren't just ugly, but they are fast and tend to chase me, its horrible.
2.) When I first meet people I immediately notice, there eyes, there hands, and the way they walk: Every on is different and you can tell a lot about a person by these things =P
3.) I like movies that have sad ending: Because nobody expects a movie to have a sad ending
4.) I HATE Technology with an undying passion
5.) I love standing outside when its raining
6.) Thus far out of my siblings I was the youngest to get my license: both my brothers waited until they were over 18, I was 16.
7.) I LOVE doing yard work!!!! I love being outside and, when I'm done working, feeling like I

accomplished something.8.) In three years I have attended 3 different high schools: 2 Public schools, 1 online
9.)My favorite scent is Vanilla: its a soft scent, but its super relaxing.
10.) I like black and white pictures: they make the world seem so simple, and innocent.
11.) I am obsessed with Stargate, and NCIS =D
12.) I tend to get along better with guys then girls
13.) My favorite flower is White Carnations.

14.) I am on of the weirdest people you will Ever Meet

15.) I don't cry in front of people

16.) I never want to have Children, unless God SERIOUSLY changes my plans

17.) I want to become a Nurse cause I hate feeling helpless

18.) My favorite season is Spring because it's sunny, happy and warm.

19.) I have a HUGE family, most of whom I am not blood related to =)

20.) If I could I would wear dresses ALL the time! I LOVE them, but I don't have enough occasions to wear em to.

Pondering

3/18/10

Inspirations

2/25/11

Who is my biggest inspiration? oh man, where to start. I don't think my brother has any idea what a high bar he set for me to try and reach for in my parents eyes lol.I've always pushed myself to "be the best" in school, in music,in art, in writing, in leadership, in work, and Ryan has probably been the biggest reason behind most of that. It started off as a competition, Growing up I always heard "your brother is sooo amazing" or "look at what Ryan did" or "He's so talented, funny, exc", it got to a point that I had to do better then him, I had to prove to everyone I was just as accomplished, and could do things just as well as he could, if not better. That probably wasn't the right attitude growing up. As I began to get older I came to realize why Ryan was so successful, and did so well. He wasn't trying to make a name for himself, He was actually totally humble about his talents, and gifts.He was using what God him, and turning lemons into lemonade. And that realization, inspired me. I didn't need to be "all that" or try mimicking him. I just needed to be myself, using my own gifts and talents and all while trusting God through it all.