Blog 1: My testimony

Hey I'm Kelly =)

I’ll be totally honest; I’m scared to write this. I have such a hard time trusting people with myself, especially on an emotional level, that to even let you have this knowledge is a major step of faith with everyone that reads this. If you followed my 30 day challenge, then you know, I don’t cry, but I almost guarantee typing this will bring tears. Ok, I’ll just start I guess. I can’t avoid that any longer….. geeze my stomach is in knots HA!

I grew up in a Christian family both my parents were pastors. My siblings were Christians, and I knew all the bible stories backwards and forwards. I accepted Christ at a young age with my mommy, and then again when I was in 1^st grade at a VBS(that’s the only time actually remembered =P ).

At around the age of 6 I my parents went out of town for a weekend, leaving my siblings and I with my aunt, uncle and their family. While I was there my cousin sexually abused me, to this day I can still see the room and everything that happened. It makes me sick. I used to have such a fear of guys touching, or hugging me that I would quite literally fall to the ground in the fetal position and flip out. As I got older I never dealt with any of that, I just sort of pushed it aside and the problem just built obviously, to this day I’m still overcoming that constant fear of someone touching me. Most people get a big kick out of wrapping me in a huge bear hug and making me cringe, even I admit it probably does seem funny.

But anywhoo, I was homeschooled till 5^th grade, during this time my eldest brother had tons of trouble when he turned 18, and needless to say ended up getting into a lot of things, kept walking in and out of my life, and making promises he wouldn’t keep, which totally broke me, because I loved him, and it seemed like he never cared unless he benefitted from the relationship. Then 5^th grade public school, there I made one friend, and stuck with her(not joining her, but silently backed her up), even if what she was doing was against my ethics like cheating, picking on other kids, putting people down, it wasn’t a good friendship, but she was someone who liked me, and we got a long. Finally 7^th grade came a long she started joining a group of kids that were popular (oooh scary 7^th grade populars lol) and Something kinda snapped in me, while she was making fun of a few kids. I got sooo angry. And was like “WTHeck are you doing? I’m no longer taking this from you! Stop picking on them!” She stopped picking on them, but she began turning on me. I would find notes in my locker basically telling me I don’t measure up, I was worthless, making fun of me, from my clothes, to my personality, to my grades. I was tripped almost every day, and verbally side commented by her and her groupies. I would go home in tears every night.

Because she was popular, people slowly stopped talking to me, they didn’t dare go against what she had to say for fear they would be next. I began dealing with a lot of depression.

My family was having a ton of financial issues, and my parents talked about how stressful it was, and I remember them always talking about cost, and during this time I had to get braces, I didn’t want braces because I knew it would cost them thousands, and I didn’t want to be a burden. They made me get braces(and now I’m thankful they did)but at the time I hated it. I remember I always felt like I was constantly disappointing them. Nothing I did was good enough, and I ended up getting into a lot of trouble. They would constantly compare me with my eldest brothers, I hated it. I started skipping meals, because I felt like it gave me a sense of control, and maybe if I was thinner people would like me more. I began babysitting Kyle A LOT especially when I came back home my 8^th grade year, and was home schooled again, I LOVED/LOVE that kid, he was the only person who didn’t expect anything, or judge me, sure sometimes he was a bother, but that kid was sooo funny. I could just be me, and he would have fun! 9^th grade year came, and I was pretty much considered Anorexic, though I hid it pretty well. I was only eating bits when my parents were watching,

and I returned to high school. I had no friend during this whole time nobody wanted to be around me. But the second day of my freshman year I found a note peering over my locker It was seriously this flicker of hope, I remember being soooo happy that someone sent me a note, I just wanted a friend, but as I got closer the note contained a picture. It was an old, old pic of me photoshopped so it looked like I was hanging from a tree, with x’s on my eyes. And etched in my locker “Go home and die home school, that’s all you’re good for!” I threw the note, who knows where, and ran to the bathroom, and sat there all day crying. I had some scissors in personal kit, I opened them up, rolled up my shorts, and sliced my leg, 7 times, in hopes that it would give me luck.

I had this mixed feeling of anger and sadness, and I just wanted to shut down completely, but what they said got to me, And despite the fact it hurt to read those words, I actually considered the truth behind them, maybe I was better dead.

Over these years We were moving around a lot, and it seemed I was continuing to always be wrong, I started arguing with them, and they began comparing me to my “brother” which only made me more upset, all church functions I was involved in I was the outcast. For some reason nobody would talk to me, so I would sit alone in the corner. When I tried talking to someone, I was always awkward and totally unsure of myself, afraid that they were judging me. Finally, I went to the YG I asked my Youth pastor if I could do some sort of work to occupy my time, and make it less weird to be there. And he told me yeah, and asked me to run the candy shop. This is going to sound pathetic, but I depended on that each week. I continued to cut my legs(part of the reason I never wore shorts, even during the summer), but with a purpose for my life each week, It kept me from considering suicide seriously, until people began taking over my

“job”. I needed that job, and people kept getting jealous on YG nights so the youth pastor finally told me to stop. I remember I ran out of the service and I cried one night at YG after getting into a fight about something with someone, ore getting told something, I don’t even remember, and a youth leader came up to me and asked me what was wrong, with tears running down my cheeks I forced a smil, said nothing, “I am fine”,

and she smiled uncomfortably and walked away. I sat there until everyone had gone home 90 minutes later. Nobody else acknowledged anything; it was like I wasn’t there. I began totally shutting down. I stopped feeling, I stopped letting people bother me, and at that point I made a decision to not let people get to me. If someone bothered me I would just walk away, not deal with it. I pulled away totally emotionally, and just took the teasing, like it was a part of life, nothing new.

Months later January sometime, my dad came home in a bad mood, and when he saw I hadn’t finished some chores, He got upset, and a bit loud, said things he regretted and has since apologized for(my dad is amazing btw, but he was upset because I hadn’t done what he had asked, and for the most part rightly so) but He was throwing things out of the fridge, and telling me how he wanted it cleaned and such. I remember, when he was done, a single tear rolled down my cheek after he left the house in a huff, and I calmly walked to my bedroom packed two bags wrote a long, horrible note, and left. I walked along the railroad tracks. There was a place I knew of about 5-10 miles away that would block out wind, I had probably been gone 3 hours when I got a phone call, idk why I brought my cell. But my mom left a voicemail saying “Hey Kelly, I don’t really remember why I’m calling but I’m on my way home, so I’ll see you in a bit. Ooh and

I want you to know I love you. I know the last few months haven’t been easy for ya but I do love you lot, and am here if you ever need me.”

Well I called her an hour later, and she picked me up, my dad, mom and I all talked a bit, about some of what had been going on. Which helped a bit, but life was still awful in my opinion.

Ooh btw during this time my brother and sister in law had found out they were pregnant.. with sextuplets of all things… I ended up going over and caring for my sister in law a few times a week, helping her, as she dealt with sever morning sickness, Well long story short, 5 babies died, my eldest brother decided to show up out of the blue, and I was already upset that the babies died, but then HE has the gall to show up out of nowhere, I couldn’t even look at him, I was ticked that he would just show up out of nowhere and pretend to care.

Anyways things didn’t get better, at school or YG, but I met a girl who was into the party scene and on weekends when I was out with her. She was into smoking and drinking and drugs. I never got into anything, but When I was with this group I was who ever I wanted to be. And they didn’t judge me it was “awesome” well the girl I hung out with ended up committing suicide, which got me thinking “maybe that’s it”. Nothing seems to be going right here why stick around. School hates me, Youth Group hates me, even I hate me, why be here?

So I planned it all out. I had some strong pills I had found and was going to mix with some alcohol, and then I was going to have a toaster and bathtub filled with water ready just in case it wasn’t enough. I started screaming at God as I planned all this out, “GOD? WHY?!?! You haven’t been here for me, everything bad is happening and You have NEVER cared!! If you don’t show me You are real, that you love me, that someone loves me I’m not living another day. I’m done going through life with no purpose! I’m getting out of here!!” For some reason I went to Youth Group that night. I still don’t know why, but I walked there.

I was sitting in the back, and wasn’t paying attention, rather I was writing a note for people to read after I died. I wanted them to know what I wanted after I was gone, and why I did it. Suddenly as I was writing this girl comes up to me. I looked up at her, hardly noticing, she places a note by me on the seat and walks away. I still have the note. But it broke me. It basically said

“I don’t know you, I don’t know your past situation, or anything that’s going on with your life, but I believe you desire to know the love of Christ. I don’t know if you believe in prophetic gifting, but I believe God wants me to tell you this. ‘If you follow me and desire my heart, I will show you my desire for you. I will, I am, and always have been walking with you. Set your eyes on me, and Desire me alone. Walk WITH Me, you are going through things that have been hard, but I am here my darling, I love you too much to let you go! I will help you, just as I walk though the good and the bad with you. I am here. Walk with me fully and you will never taste fear of this earth again”

I totally broke! I walked back home in tears! I ended up going home and opening my Bible legitimately for the first time in years, and opened up to:

“For I know the plans I have for you” declares the Lord “Plans to prosper, plans for a hope and a future” Jeremiah 29:11

I fell to me knees and started praying, “God forgive me” my sophomore year.

Since then, life hasn’t been “perfect” I still deal with a lot of anxiety, some reoccurring nightmares, a lot of trust issues, emotionall, but I have confidence that God is here, and I’m not alone. I stopped a lot of the bad habits. I started a drama team “Love in Action” after God put this passion in my heart for youth,I want them to know there is hope! I have grown as a leader amongst fellow believers, and grown in my gifts. My relationship with my parents began getting better because I wasn’t fighting for ME ME ME all the time, but I was learning to submit. I began to make friends, and letting down my walls with people. I wouldn’t change my past, because it truly is what has brought me to this place in my life, but I also wish that I didn’t have to have such a hard time getting to this place. I wish life had been a piece of cake, and I had learned just to trust God with my situation loooong before that point. Trust Him, he’s the only person who is always there, he won’t take your problems away, but he promises to never leave you nor forsake you.