Just need to write

*I realized after I wrote this how this could be taken, but honestly, I just kinda started writing and this came out, It's kinda non-sensical throwing together a lot of randomness from a dream I had anywhoo, this note is just to keep anyone from worrying it's not actually about me =) *

Life keeps moving, things happen,

people come and go, changes occur.....

and then there's ME somewhere in the middle of all of it.

Barely breathing, trying to find a foothold in sand.

I'm SCREAMING at the world to shut up for one minute,

shutting my eyes to block everything out.

This black hole I call living, just isn't what it once was.

Am I really here, or am I still in a dream?

Moving underwater at a speed so slow,

my last mistake just raced ahead and hit me in the face.

Who are you, to tell me who I am?

I never asked for your opinion or two cents.

I never asked for you to run me down.

All I wanted was 5 feet to think before waking up.

Emptying my mind, darkness fills the void.

Your words echoing from every FREAKING direction!!

The cliff you pushed me off is a long way down.

The bottom never coming soon enough.

Hitting the ground, red covers my eyes

Blinding me from everything I've tried to leave behind

Fading out, I Scream "ITS ABOUT TIME!!!"

Silence finally finds rest in my ears.

Blog 14: Make a list of your strengths.

I think this blog is pretty cool. People can list there weaknesses with out much thought, but when a person is asked to list their strengths they have a fear of sounding proud, but I think it's good for people to know there strengths, as well as their weaknesses. If nothing else it's something someone needs, so they can look back on bad days, or when others are putting them down and say. "No that's not true, Christ has given me a certain ability, and my identity is not found in what the world has to say!"

Like leadership, as completely untrained as it is at times, I know I have the ability to lead.
Lead worship, I may not have the most "WOW" voice, or be able to play an instrument with some insane talent, but I know I can lead people in worship.
I'm smart, Maybe not Harvard smart, but I'm certainly smarter then many.
and the list goes on and on. I chose to physically write down a list of my strengths and put it in a place I'll see everyday. It's really helpful to look and just be reminded of what gifts Christ has given me, you know?

Blog 13: Who is your hero?

You know most people look at their parents, see their mistakes and say "I'm never going to be like that!" I look at my parents and I say "I hope I'm like them!" Mistakes and all. I know they are not perfect, but they are people I admire, look up to, and respect, completely, despite our disagreements. As I write this I’m sitting on the stage awaiting the drama team to walk in, and I look in the back through the glass and I see my dad, and I know he’s not perfect He could tell you that himself, but I am so proud to call him my dad. There are probably over 100 people waiting to get food, Tuesday nights my dad has his food distribution, and I watch him as he talks to everyone, and gives each person his complete attention. He’s probably being pulled in a thousand different directions, and probably stressed to the max, but the smile has yet to leave his face, and he does each task with such diligence. He never asks for anything in return for all his hard work, he just does it. People look up to him and respect him because he treats people with respect regardless of there current situation or past, and I admire that about him. When ever I talk to people they always tell me "You're so lucky to have such a great dad." I just smile and tell them I know. Because I truly am. I am blessed far more than one could describe. and I hope one day People will look up at me with the same respect and admiration as they do when they look at my dad. =D Love you Dad!

Blog 12: What do you want people to remember about you?

That I always cared. No matter what was going on in my life, no matter what circumstances arose, I was there for them when they really needed someone. It's something so simple to do, just being there for people, listening to them, letting them know they are important, and that someone cares, like what Jesus did, no matter there circumstances, He loved them. If I can do that for every person I come in contact with, well, that would be something worth being remembered for.

Blog 11: What is one dream you remember?

It wasn't really a dream, but more of a nightmare. It was reoccurring for 2-3 years, I had it every night, It was so vivid, I began to get really weird sleeping habits, and stay up all night, and then crash the next night, so I wouldn't be able to remember dreaming.

I would be sitting in the living room, working on school work. Kyle would be playing in the kitchen beside me, having a good time, laughing and giggling at something. He then suddenly stopped, stood up, and looked down the hallway before dashing off. I didn't think much of it until a few minutes later when I heard a blood curdling scream. I got up and ran down the hall, as the scream echoes off the walls, open the door leading to the basement, and ran down. Once I get downstairs, the basement turned to a long hallway with a single white light, I walk towards it, as I get closer I notice blood splatters all over the wall, and then I look beyond the white light, and see Kyle laying face down, a pool of blood surrounding him. I begin to run towards him, trip, and just as I'm about to hit the ground I jolt awake....

I hated those dreams... I love my brother, and the idea of him being injured was terrifying.

Blog 10: Is crying a sign of weakness or strength?

I always looked at it as a weakness.

1.) A power play people used to get sympathy from another person. Especially as a girl, I watched as so many people would cry and get attention from it, and I always thought it was stupid, the manipulation that was involved.

2.) Vulnerability. I've always hated being vulnerable, and When I cried people could see my thoughts, and how their words affected me, and I refused to let anyone have that much power, so I never would cry in front of other people. I considered my ability to be strong, and not cry as a strength after a while. I wouldn't let people in on that emotional level.

Recently I have to say I have been learning that not all crying is wrong. I'm not saying I'm going out and bawling my eyes out every second now, but I don't get as angry at myself, or castigate myself when a tear rolls down my cheek, genuinely.

Blog 9: One memory you wish you could forget?

I never wanted to forget anything... until recently. Never looked back on life and regretted, or wished I hadn't gone through X, Y and Z... until now. I don't think its so much I wish to forget, as I wish I hadn't been so stupid.

I recently, decided I was tired of being the "goody-two-shoes" amongst my friends, got into a relationship with a young man, despite my parents telling me not to, and needless to say it spun out of control. I made choices, to ignore what my parents warned against, and it's ripped a lot of trust as everything came to the surface.

I got so caught up in what the world thought of me, that I forgot that the only opinion that matters is Christ's. He is where I should find my identity. I have been entrusted with so much leadership, responsibility, and opportunities through the years. I have been looked up to as a hero, among many, and to disappoint all those people, to know that I went against my parents, and by doing so ignored Gods calling on my life, even for a moment, is a regret. It's something I wish had never happened.

Blog 8. Closest friend in your life right now

You know, I have been struggling with this question to no end. I have friends, but to set apart one or two of them right now, especially on blog, would be unfair to anyone I don't mention. So I'll say this. I have many close friends, people who are close to me because we have bonded in an area of life, but I wouldn't say I have ONE close friend whom I share everything with, just because I have never been a person to go into depth with any one person. But rather I have commonalities with many different people, and we go into depth with those commonalities. If that makes sense? I don't even know how to fully explain it. Though I would say my mom and dad probably know me the best out of anybody, which is how it should be, I think.

Blog 7 : done anything lately worth remembering?

I hope so. Will I go down in the history books for things I have done? More than likely not. But I would like to think that the time I invest with my drama team, the time I invest at the food shelf, and the time I invest in other places, isn't all for nothing, but rather people are being changed through what God is doing in me. Am I doing what I am doing to be remembered? No. I sincerely just want to serve, and see God glorified through my actions.

SIDE NOTE: I dyed my hair red =)

BEFORE DYING MY HAIR

Roman(my "brother") and I

it was kinda a blond-ish, brunette, I dont know what to call it.

AFTER DYING MY HAIR

Redish, brown color

Blog 6: holding onto something that you need to let go of?

I've admitted this before, I'm still extremely frustrated with my eldest brother, and the circumstances that have surrounded him. Do I love him, yes, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't upset. Each day is a work in progress. I have spent a lot of time asking God to help me with this situation, and I'm certainly taking steps towards forgiving him.

The definition of Forgiveness: Forgiveness is the mental, emotional, and spiritual process of letting go of resentment, indignation, or anger against another person for a perceived offense, difference, or mistake. It can also mean ceasing to demand punishment or restitution for transgressions, real or imagined.

In other words when I say I forgive you, I'm saying it's over, it's in the past, I don't hold it against him. and Thats so hard to do. So each day that's been my prayer. "God help me forgive him! Help me let go."

Blog 5: What would you do differently w/ no fear of judgment

I think I would have spoken up more, and not hidden behind my walls, but rather let people in way sooner. Let them know what was going on, and maybe seeking out help LONG before anything become a problem. But I was so scared that if I said something my parents would look bad, or I would end up being labeled again, that I just shut my mouth, and bottled things in.

Short and sweet today =P

Blog 4: Biggest Struggle Growing Up

I think it's been my emotions, and not letting them get the best of me. This whole generation is all about emotions and feeling. We have everything thing we could ever want, but thats not good enough for a lot of people, and so we go out looking for a problem, and find it in our emotional dissatisfaction. For me personally, that's a struggle every day. Letting my emotions tell me to block people out, and keep everything to yourself, then blame others because they never tried to get to know you, and turn it on them, like it's there fault.

Have you ever been totally happy, but wanted to be sad, just so you could feel something different, like an emotional drug, you listen to something sad and can feel the internally struggle between happy and sad like a roller coaster, you want to be happy, but all these feelings that are brought up by the sadness are so hard to put away. It's a rush.

"... But dear mom, I'm getting better at writing happier things

I know you'll never understand it

but I'm attached to the sadness and it rings...."

-When I Go To Meet God, Levi the Poet-

It's not healthy, but that is my biggest struggle. Living life and choosing to be content. My dad once said.(I prob have the quote wrong, but something a long these lines)

"You won't always feel like loving people, but if you CHOOSE to love people and CHOOSE to overcome your own personal feeling and love people anyways, the personal feelings will eventually align themselves"

And that's what I focus on each and every day, it's not easy, being sad can be such an easy place to fall back into, but I don't want to be stuck there, trapped in brokenness. I don't want to live each day for myself with no purpose in life, but rather I want to live where Christ intended me to be, safe and secure in His arms, living each day as though its my last, and celebrating each moment I'm given.

Blog 3: Something I wish I could change

Absolutely nothing. If I changed anything in my life, I wouldn't be who I am today. What has brought me to this point in my life, has been a journey, no doubt, but it has given me such a new perspective on life. I have gifts, I have purpose, I have passion, and God is using all of that to do so much in my day to day life. I have grown so much as a leader, and God uses that. I may not always see the fruit of my labor, and that's ok, but because of my past I have been given opportunities to talk with so many people, that most people would walk by and ignore as a lost cause, I have seen so many of those kids come to know Christ as their personal Lord and Saviour, or I have had friends lead them to the Lord.. some examples of this:

I started writing poetry, regarding a lot of my past, writing plays describing topics this generation faces, but is often left under the rug, because of shame, and I have gone all out and talked about these subjects openly and people will come up to my team and I, and often through tears "WOW, thank you for doing what you are doing."

The drama team I started has 8 kids in it. When the team first started there were 2 Christians, Myself, and my younger sister, Now as of 3 weeks ago, every single person on that team is a Christian. That's just because we didn't judge them, but we loved on them, listened to them, hugged them, cried with them, and were there when everyone else walked away and told them they weren't good enough.

Last Friday, There is a kid named Panda who I have been inviting over a lot, inviting to Street Level, hanging out with him at school, He's an Emo kid, that nobody really cares to get to know, just sorta sits there and exists, He comes from an emotionally abusive home, and He's just a scared, timid guy, You first meet him and you assume he's a mute because he doesn't talk. Well long story short after months, of just talking with him, being there for him, inviting him to different things, randomly saying hi in the halls, Kierra got to lead him to the Lord last Friday! I was SO excited, and as he was crying over his decision, and just overwhelmed with love He told Kierra "If it hadn't been for Kelly and you, I would have killed myself months ago"

When you have encounters like this, why would you change a thing. Lives are transformed, including my own, through the power of Christ, because of the good and the bad, out of brokenness God truly has made beauty. Sure I wish I hadn't experienced somethings, but I wouldn't change a thing for the world!

Blog 2: My Biggest Insecurity.

Imperfection. Not physically, but mentally.When it comes to grades or my actions, I hate making mistakes. I hate not being able to do something perfectly. It got so bad at one point, I cried over a B+ at school. Teachers would/make a minor mark off, and I'm ashamed of the red negative marks, or am told I am doing something wrong, and I keep doing it. I feel like a failure, especially over tiny things, that I KNOW that I KNOW that I KNOW. I should know. I push myself to suceed, and over achieve. I stretch myself to the max, and it often comes back to bite me. Perfection is impossible, but I hate imperfection. if this makes sense at all. =P

Blog 1: My testimony

Hey I'm Kelly =)

I’ll be totally honest; I’m scared to write this. I have such a hard time trusting people with myself, especially on an emotional level, that to even let you have this knowledge is a major step of faith with everyone that reads this. If you followed my 30 day challenge, then you know, I don’t cry, but I almost guarantee typing this will bring tears. Ok, I’ll just start I guess. I can’t avoid that any longer….. geeze my stomach is in knots HA!

I grew up in a Christian family both my parents were pastors. My siblings were Christians, and I knew all the bible stories backwards and forwards. I accepted Christ at a young age with my mommy, and then again when I was in 1^st grade at a VBS(that’s the only time actually remembered =P ).

At around the age of 6 I my parents went out of town for a weekend, leaving my siblings and I with my aunt, uncle and their family. While I was there my cousin sexually abused me, to this day I can still see the room and everything that happened. It makes me sick. I used to have such a fear of guys touching, or hugging me that I would quite literally fall to the ground in the fetal position and flip out. As I got older I never dealt with any of that, I just sort of pushed it aside and the problem just built obviously, to this day I’m still overcoming that constant fear of someone touching me. Most people get a big kick out of wrapping me in a huge bear hug and making me cringe, even I admit it probably does seem funny.

But anywhoo, I was homeschooled till 5^th grade, during this time my eldest brother had tons of trouble when he turned 18, and needless to say ended up getting into a lot of things, kept walking in and out of my life, and making promises he wouldn’t keep, which totally broke me, because I loved him, and it seemed like he never cared unless he benefitted from the relationship. Then 5^th grade public school, there I made one friend, and stuck with her(not joining her, but silently backed her up), even if what she was doing was against my ethics like cheating, picking on other kids, putting people down, it wasn’t a good friendship, but she was someone who liked me, and we got a long. Finally 7^th grade came a long she started joining a group of kids that were popular (oooh scary 7^th grade populars lol) and Something kinda snapped in me, while she was making fun of a few kids. I got sooo angry. And was like “WTHeck are you doing? I’m no longer taking this from you! Stop picking on them!” She stopped picking on them, but she began turning on me. I would find notes in my locker basically telling me I don’t measure up, I was worthless, making fun of me, from my clothes, to my personality, to my grades. I was tripped almost every day, and verbally side commented by her and her groupies. I would go home in tears every night.

Because she was popular, people slowly stopped talking to me, they didn’t dare go against what she had to say for fear they would be next. I began dealing with a lot of depression.

My family was having a ton of financial issues, and my parents talked about how stressful it was, and I remember them always talking about cost, and during this time I had to get braces, I didn’t want braces because I knew it would cost them thousands, and I didn’t want to be a burden. They made me get braces(and now I’m thankful they did)but at the time I hated it. I remember I always felt like I was constantly disappointing them. Nothing I did was good enough, and I ended up getting into a lot of trouble. They would constantly compare me with my eldest brothers, I hated it. I started skipping meals, because I felt like it gave me a sense of control, and maybe if I was thinner people would like me more. I began babysitting Kyle A LOT especially when I came back home my 8^th grade year, and was home schooled again, I LOVED/LOVE that kid, he was the only person who didn’t expect anything, or judge me, sure sometimes he was a bother, but that kid was sooo funny. I could just be me, and he would have fun! 9^th grade year came, and I was pretty much considered Anorexic, though I hid it pretty well. I was only eating bits when my parents were watching,

and I returned to high school. I had no friend during this whole time nobody wanted to be around me. But the second day of my freshman year I found a note peering over my locker It was seriously this flicker of hope, I remember being soooo happy that someone sent me a note, I just wanted a friend, but as I got closer the note contained a picture. It was an old, old pic of me photoshopped so it looked like I was hanging from a tree, with x’s on my eyes. And etched in my locker “Go home and die home school, that’s all you’re good for!” I threw the note, who knows where, and ran to the bathroom, and sat there all day crying. I had some scissors in personal kit, I opened them up, rolled up my shorts, and sliced my leg, 7 times, in hopes that it would give me luck.

I had this mixed feeling of anger and sadness, and I just wanted to shut down completely, but what they said got to me, And despite the fact it hurt to read those words, I actually considered the truth behind them, maybe I was better dead.

Over these years We were moving around a lot, and it seemed I was continuing to always be wrong, I started arguing with them, and they began comparing me to my “brother” which only made me more upset, all church functions I was involved in I was the outcast. For some reason nobody would talk to me, so I would sit alone in the corner. When I tried talking to someone, I was always awkward and totally unsure of myself, afraid that they were judging me. Finally, I went to the YG I asked my Youth pastor if I could do some sort of work to occupy my time, and make it less weird to be there. And he told me yeah, and asked me to run the candy shop. This is going to sound pathetic, but I depended on that each week. I continued to cut my legs(part of the reason I never wore shorts, even during the summer), but with a purpose for my life each week, It kept me from considering suicide seriously, until people began taking over my

“job”. I needed that job, and people kept getting jealous on YG nights so the youth pastor finally told me to stop. I remember I ran out of the service and I cried one night at YG after getting into a fight about something with someone, ore getting told something, I don’t even remember, and a youth leader came up to me and asked me what was wrong, with tears running down my cheeks I forced a smil, said nothing, “I am fine”,

and she smiled uncomfortably and walked away. I sat there until everyone had gone home 90 minutes later. Nobody else acknowledged anything; it was like I wasn’t there. I began totally shutting down. I stopped feeling, I stopped letting people bother me, and at that point I made a decision to not let people get to me. If someone bothered me I would just walk away, not deal with it. I pulled away totally emotionally, and just took the teasing, like it was a part of life, nothing new.

Months later January sometime, my dad came home in a bad mood, and when he saw I hadn’t finished some chores, He got upset, and a bit loud, said things he regretted and has since apologized for(my dad is amazing btw, but he was upset because I hadn’t done what he had asked, and for the most part rightly so) but He was throwing things out of the fridge, and telling me how he wanted it cleaned and such. I remember, when he was done, a single tear rolled down my cheek after he left the house in a huff, and I calmly walked to my bedroom packed two bags wrote a long, horrible note, and left. I walked along the railroad tracks. There was a place I knew of about 5-10 miles away that would block out wind, I had probably been gone 3 hours when I got a phone call, idk why I brought my cell. But my mom left a voicemail saying “Hey Kelly, I don’t really remember why I’m calling but I’m on my way home, so I’ll see you in a bit. Ooh and

I want you to know I love you. I know the last few months haven’t been easy for ya but I do love you lot, and am here if you ever need me.”

Well I called her an hour later, and she picked me up, my dad, mom and I all talked a bit, about some of what had been going on. Which helped a bit, but life was still awful in my opinion.

Ooh btw during this time my brother and sister in law had found out they were pregnant.. with sextuplets of all things… I ended up going over and caring for my sister in law a few times a week, helping her, as she dealt with sever morning sickness, Well long story short, 5 babies died, my eldest brother decided to show up out of the blue, and I was already upset that the babies died, but then HE has the gall to show up out of nowhere, I couldn’t even look at him, I was ticked that he would just show up out of nowhere and pretend to care.

Anyways things didn’t get better, at school or YG, but I met a girl who was into the party scene and on weekends when I was out with her. She was into smoking and drinking and drugs. I never got into anything, but When I was with this group I was who ever I wanted to be. And they didn’t judge me it was “awesome” well the girl I hung out with ended up committing suicide, which got me thinking “maybe that’s it”. Nothing seems to be going right here why stick around. School hates me, Youth Group hates me, even I hate me, why be here?

So I planned it all out. I had some strong pills I had found and was going to mix with some alcohol, and then I was going to have a toaster and bathtub filled with water ready just in case it wasn’t enough. I started screaming at God as I planned all this out, “GOD? WHY?!?! You haven’t been here for me, everything bad is happening and You have NEVER cared!! If you don’t show me You are real, that you love me, that someone loves me I’m not living another day. I’m done going through life with no purpose! I’m getting out of here!!” For some reason I went to Youth Group that night. I still don’t know why, but I walked there.

I was sitting in the back, and wasn’t paying attention, rather I was writing a note for people to read after I died. I wanted them to know what I wanted after I was gone, and why I did it. Suddenly as I was writing this girl comes up to me. I looked up at her, hardly noticing, she places a note by me on the seat and walks away. I still have the note. But it broke me. It basically said

“I don’t know you, I don’t know your past situation, or anything that’s going on with your life, but I believe you desire to know the love of Christ. I don’t know if you believe in prophetic gifting, but I believe God wants me to tell you this. ‘If you follow me and desire my heart, I will show you my desire for you. I will, I am, and always have been walking with you. Set your eyes on me, and Desire me alone. Walk WITH Me, you are going through things that have been hard, but I am here my darling, I love you too much to let you go! I will help you, just as I walk though the good and the bad with you. I am here. Walk with me fully and you will never taste fear of this earth again”

I totally broke! I walked back home in tears! I ended up going home and opening my Bible legitimately for the first time in years, and opened up to:

“For I know the plans I have for you” declares the Lord “Plans to prosper, plans for a hope and a future” Jeremiah 29:11

I fell to me knees and started praying, “God forgive me” my sophomore year.

Since then, life hasn’t been “perfect” I still deal with a lot of anxiety, some reoccurring nightmares, a lot of trust issues, emotionall, but I have confidence that God is here, and I’m not alone. I stopped a lot of the bad habits. I started a drama team “Love in Action” after God put this passion in my heart for youth,I want them to know there is hope! I have grown as a leader amongst fellow believers, and grown in my gifts. My relationship with my parents began getting better because I wasn’t fighting for ME ME ME all the time, but I was learning to submit. I began to make friends, and letting down my walls with people. I wouldn’t change my past, because it truly is what has brought me to this place in my life, but I also wish that I didn’t have to have such a hard time getting to this place. I wish life had been a piece of cake, and I had learned just to trust God with my situation loooong before that point. Trust Him, he’s the only person who is always there, he won’t take your problems away, but he promises to never leave you nor forsake you.

I feel....

Communicating "I feel..." that's always been a struggle for me, just being able to tell others how I feel and being totally honest about it. I have a struggle with letting down my guard around anyone, and being able to say "Today was great" or "today was a bit rough" and I don't mean I want to be going over the top, and get all OVER emotional, but being honest about it about how I feel, and start opening up towards people. I'm tired of being scared of feeling. Yeah I said scared. I'm scared that if I open up, I'm going to be judged, let down, mocked, told off, exc... but I want to try, baby steps right. I've always said I never want to be controlled by fear, So I'm going to start something. For the next 25 blogs, I'm going to post replies to the following 25 questions, in order. In hopes that I by writing things out from my past, and being willing to be totally open, in regards to some though provoking questions, It can work towards baby steps of actually opening up. Then also if anybody would like to add questions as I'm going through this, I want to encourage you to ask me with out hesitation. I'm praying that part of this can be used as a step in breaking down these walls. Please pray for me. I know I'll probably end many of these blogs in tears, and completely scared of reactions I'll get.

1. What is your Testimony
2.What is your biggest insecurity?
3.What is something you wish you could change?
4. What has been your biggest struggle in growing up?
5. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?
6. Are you holding onto something that you need to let go of?
7. Have you done anything lately worth remembering?
8. Who your closest friends in your life right now, and what makes them special to you?
9. What is one memory you wish you could forget?
10. Do you think crying is a sign of weakness or strength?
11. What is one dream you remember?
12. When you die what do you want your legacy to be?
13. Who is your hero?
14. Make a list of your strengths.
15. What is the best part of your week, why?
16. What is your life verse, why?
17. Which activities make you lose track of time?
18. If you could do it all over again, would you change anything?
19. If you could talk to anyone right now, who would it be, and what about?
20. If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way that you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow that person to be your friend?
21. Ask a few people what they think of you honestly, and post it here. Write your reaction
22. What do you spend most of your time worrying about?
23. Are you aware that someone has it worse than you?
24. What makes you smile?
25. What would you regret not fully doing, being, or having in your life?

Posts I never posted

I dont't know why but these are some posts I saved, and never posted, so I figured I would finish them and post them while I figure out how to finish my current post.

20 things you prob don't know about me

10/24/09

1.) I'm TERRIFIED of house Centipedes: They are creepy little boogers that aren't just ugly, but they are fast and tend to chase me, its horrible.
2.) When I first meet people I immediately notice, there eyes, there hands, and the way they walk: Every on is different and you can tell a lot about a person by these things =P
3.) I like movies that have sad ending: Because nobody expects a movie to have a sad ending
4.) I HATE Technology with an undying passion
5.) I love standing outside when its raining
6.) Thus far out of my siblings I was the youngest to get my license: both my brothers waited until they were over 18, I was 16.
7.) I LOVE doing yard work!!!! I love being outside and, when I'm done working, feeling like I

accomplished something.8.) In three years I have attended 3 different high schools: 2 Public schools, 1 online
9.)My favorite scent is Vanilla: its a soft scent, but its super relaxing.
10.) I like black and white pictures: they make the world seem so simple, and innocent.
11.) I am obsessed with Stargate, and NCIS =D
12.) I tend to get along better with guys then girls
13.) My favorite flower is White Carnations.

14.) I am on of the weirdest people you will Ever Meet

15.) I don't cry in front of people

16.) I never want to have Children, unless God SERIOUSLY changes my plans

17.) I want to become a Nurse cause I hate feeling helpless

18.) My favorite season is Spring because it's sunny, happy and warm.

19.) I have a HUGE family, most of whom I am not blood related to =)

20.) If I could I would wear dresses ALL the time! I LOVE them, but I don't have enough occasions to wear em to.

Pondering

3/18/10

Inspirations

2/25/11

Who is my biggest inspiration? oh man, where to start. I don't think my brother has any idea what a high bar he set for me to try and reach for in my parents eyes lol.I've always pushed myself to "be the best" in school, in music,in art, in writing, in leadership, in work, and Ryan has probably been the biggest reason behind most of that. It started off as a competition, Growing up I always heard "your brother is sooo amazing" or "look at what Ryan did" or "He's so talented, funny, exc", it got to a point that I had to do better then him, I had to prove to everyone I was just as accomplished, and could do things just as well as he could, if not better. That probably wasn't the right attitude growing up. As I began to get older I came to realize why Ryan was so successful, and did so well. He wasn't trying to make a name for himself, He was actually totally humble about his talents, and gifts.He was using what God him, and turning lemons into lemonade. And that realization, inspired me. I didn't need to be "all that" or try mimicking him. I just needed to be myself, using my own gifts and talents and all while trusting God through it all.

Gotta laugh at myself

So the other day, after a long busy week of clinical's, school, and work I walked into class and realized there was an extra credit assignment due, which I had intended to do(write a poem about an abused substance and present it in front of the class). Anywhoo, the teacher asked who had the assignment done and a few people raised there hands, and I thought to myself "YES!" and wrote a poem in 5 minutes, as the other 2 people performed there poems, which preceded with me presenting for the class.Once I was finished, the teacher asked me if I had performed the poem before, I said no, and she goes on to say "You have a gift" I of course didn't tell her I had written the poem 5 minutes before her class. This is just so me, Do everything last minute, and Ace it =) LOL so Here's the poem, and you tell me what you think. I just find it amusing.

Inhalants

It's cheap, It's everywhere

I go to sleep

So there I may find peace

Holding me hostage to it's claws

Caressing my well knotted soul

With assurances that it will always be around

Safe from ever awakening fear

Your favored reality totally gone

I can't speak, I'm too relaxed to try

Give me safe place

Presenting shelter from myself

And monsters that come back again

and again, and again to torment me

Mind, soul, heart, constant pounding

Memories are now gone

Safeties is destroyed left to rags

Feeling sick and weak, life becomes a blur

Given away to myself

Breathing it in deep

Shutting down my brain

Friends said it once was cool

Won't harm me like trendier ones will

My heart is out of sync

The edges start to blur

I can no longer see

Eyes wide open

Shaking all over

I'm suddenly gone

Trust in the Lord

Have you ever had one of those days that just seem to catch you off guard?

You think you are over something, but when brought face to face with it memories, hurt, and anger come flooding back to the surface?

Well today was one of those days. I got an email, that caught me totally off guard, from someone I hadn't expected to hear from for a long, long, long time.

My brother.

He emailed my whole family asking for forgiveness. I thought I had forgiven him a long time ago. But reading the email, it was like reading a letter he gave me years ago. Apologizing for everything he had done, and praying for forgiveness. And now I feel stuck. I want to forgive him, I want to be able to run to him with open arms, cry, and hug him! But at the same time, I can't forget the questions my brother has asked me regarding "where is Christopher? doesn't he like us?" or the tears my sister spilt when he didn't show up all those years ago to hang out. Or the frustration my parents have dealt with because of even further issues surrounding him.

I know I'm not perfect, I'm the first to admit such, I know I make mistakes, but someone hurts my family, and that doesn't go over well with me. You attack them, you are attacking me, and I don't take that lying down, I bite back!

But what if the person hurting my family is my family?

Right now, I admit, I'm struggling. I'm frustrated with this whole situation. But I also know that, whatever happens I need to leave it all at the cross. When I gave my life to God it was my everything, and not just when things are good. I said "I'm in it for the good AND the bad times". I gave God my all, and I know that unless I'm on my knees in prayer this will continue to be a struggle. So I'm giving this whole situation to God! I'm choosing to let go, and let Him continue to take control. As crazy as it seems sometimes, I know I'm safe in His hands.

Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The LORD, the LORD himself, is my strength and my defense ; he has become my salvation.”

Isaiah 12:2

A little bit of everything rolled into one.

WOW! This week has been crazy, In a good way of course, and it's only Wednesday. Allow me to start from the beginning.

Sunday: I was scheduled to lead worship, but I had lost my voice, mostly, that weekend. As I was practicing, I was singing flat, and squeaking like crazy. I had no back up singer so It was me and my drummer. 9:30 comes around and the leadership team gets together to pray, still no voice. 9:50 comes and I get on stage, my dad gives a quick welcome, and 10 o'clock I begin playing, and as I'm about to squeak the first word to the first song my voice comes back.

HALLELUJAH! As soon as Church ends, so did my voice. God? I think yes. Later that evening I then dyed my hair a darker brown. I'm ALMOST back to my natural color.

HAIR BEFORE

HAIR AFTER

Monday: There was no school due to the day being dedicated to Martin Luther King Jr. Thus a friend of mine spent the night. Then that evening Kyle and I got to hang out, I dropped off a job application at Super America, then We went sledding, out to Starbucks for some coffee(or hot chocolate in Kyle's case), and ended up at a pet store for a bit(DUMB IDEA it made me want a hamster)

Tuesday: I went back you the pet store and picked up my own HAMSTER!!! =D Henry Phillip Morrison the 1st =P We then had to go to the food shelf, and of course all the kids adored the hamster. =P

Meet Henry Phillip Morrison

Wednesday: better known as today, After school I got home, and pulled out Henry Phillip, as I was playing with him, I got a call from Super America saying they wanted to schedule a face-to-face interview, Which is now scheduled for Monday. I turned my back for 3 seconds to write the phone number down, and hang up my phone. When I look back Henry is no where in sight. I stand up for fear he's under me. I'm looking, and freaking out for about 30 seconds when out of nowhere I feel something weird against my knee. He had crawled up my pant leg, inside....... Needless to say it took about 5 minutes to get him out the little critter haha.

That's been my week thus far. Pretty much a bit of everything mixed into a few days. Hopefully the rest of this week is just as awesome. =)

18th Birthday

So how am I supposed to feel?

People keep coming up to me asking me "How do you feel?" I feel no different. Should something have changed? Yes I am an adult, but what does that mean? I can gamble, buy cigarettes , get a tattoo, make my own decisions(according to the law). But why would I want to do that? I don't get it.

I'm in High School, and am looking at living a long, debt free life, with out regrets. I think many students get it all wrong. Now is the time we need to look to our parents for wisdom, not run away, and do our own thing. What we do now will either make or break our future, and so as I begin taking this step into adulthood, I intend to lean into God, and seek the counsel of my parents. So pray for me as I begin taking this step. =)